Hello, dolls! This weekend has been the hottest it has ever been this summer — it’s the kind of heat that makes you want to jump in a pool filled with ice. This heatwave did not stop me from going out with my kids though. It’s the weekend and we’ve been cooped up in the house for days so it’s either melting in the heat or waiting another week to go on an adventure.
Baby C is going to be 2 months old in 2 days! Meaning I’ve been dealing with the changes in my life for almost 2 months now. I have expressed how challenging being a Mom of two is here on my blog a million times and somehow I still find myself starting every blog post with the same statement. I feel fortunate that baby C does not give me a hard time! In fact, I feel like she is just so over the daily chaos that she sees between her brother and me that she would rather be in her own peaceful space than join in the mix by crying. LOL
Anyway, if you are to ask me what makes my new plight challenging, I would say it’s the emotionally and mentally draining days. I am used to the hustle and bustle of being on my feet all day so running after my toddler and dropping everything to feed my newborn every 2-3 hours are things I can physically handle. So what’s making it hard? I don’t know….maybe the fact that I am a different person now and I am trying my best to keep up.
I am not the kind of person who likes to talk about my feelings. If I can avoid confrontations or crying my heart out, I would. Lately, I’ve opened up a little bit about my emotions by posting on social media. Every time I do, a part of me wants to delete it right away because I feel like it’s so high school to post about what I am going through. Maybe that’s why I feel emotionally exhausted, I’ve been bottling up all of my emotions because I am worried about what people might say or think.
So why do I feel like this when people around me have been so positive and loving? Maybe the fact that I have noticed how easy it is for some people to Mom-shame? The endless sacrifices that I have to make? Postpartum? I don’t even know how long it lasts.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining. How can I when I have this little cutie to wake me up to say good morning. I love being a Mom, especially to my Little A and Baby C.
Let me put it this way when was the last time you talked to a Mom and asked beyond if she is able to catch some z’s with the new baby?
I don’t need to be the center of attention, I hate it actually. I have given birth to two healthy babies and both times I felt lonely during the first few months. Not because I was literally alone or no one called to ask if they can come to visit. But besides my parents and siblings who made sure I was eating and sleeping, I felt like no one really cared if I was still bleeding or not able to walk properly after pushing my baby out, they just wanted to see MY baby.
I am not saying no one is welcome to visit a Mom who just gave birth, but honestly, if you are not willing to help her or if you do not have food she can reheat, it is best to wait a couple of weeks to visit. Entertaining a guest is not easy especially if you are sleep deprived, let alone nursing a baby who wants to feed every hour. Consider the Mom first who is going through different waves of emotions.
I lost the person that loves having people over even on short notice.
It has been a little over 2 months since I stopped working. I am currently on maternity leave with no pay which honestly is driving me insane. Not because our household could not handle a single income, but because I have been so financially independent even before I married A that not having an income for months makes me feel…weak.
I have always been career-driven, I worked my butt off to get the position I thought would take me 10 years to achieve. I became an Executive Chef before I turned 25, bought a house shortly after getting that promotion, and welcomed little A before I turned 26. Trust me, it’s not about getting everything that you want in your 20s, it’s what you do with them that matters.
I love what I do, but I hate the hours. If I want to keep the position I am in now, I would have to keep on working 50 hours a week, at least. My options are waking up in the morning at 5AM and have my weekends off OR work 10 am to 10PM and not have my weekends off. Thinking about this makes me want to scale down and settle for a lower position so I can have a bearable schedule that is conducive to my kids, but also means a pay cut. My husband can support us for sure, but I have dreams, and most of them are BIG (and expensive lol).
I don’t know how SAHMs do it, to not feel guilty when asking something from their husbands or to give up their shopping habits. I know it sounds petty but really, how can you give up a part of yourself? I also don’t know where full-time working Moms get their courage to go to work and leave their children in the care of someone else and have the energy to take care of their families and have time for themselves. I am in the middle of continuing being a full-time working Mom or being a “part-time” stay-at-home-Mom and a part-time “whatever I can be”.
I lost the financially independent woman that loves her job that she wouldn’t even think about quitting.
I could stare at my babies all day and be content. I love nurturing them and be the person that lets them experience things and teach them how to appreciate life. But why is it so hard for me to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see? There are so many touching posts circulating about postpartum bodies but it’s not so easy to embrace that when you can hardly recognize yourself.
I think what hurts the most is when you hear it from other people. How I look different, and I clearly know what they mean. My body is no longer a size S, heck I can hardly fit into my mediums because of my current “nursing size” (which I know will go back to its normal size when I stop but really…).
I sometimes look at myself when I am home with my kids running after them and man, I sometimes just laugh at how ridiculous I look wearing PJs all day with no life and color on her face. I have a lot of work to do, is what I always say.
I lost the confident and self-loving woman in me.
I am great at being a Mom. I am proud of how respectful, sweet, and smart Little A is growing up to be. You know what makes me sad? I know I haven’t been the best wife, daughter, sister, and friend. My focus now is my children and I tend to be okay shutting people off as long as I achieve my daily goals. I feel like I have nothing exciting to say to anyone. I don’t pick up my phone to call someone, I wait for them to call me then I realize I also need to socialize and talk about things other than being a Mom.
To be criticized and talked about is not easy. It created a dent in my head that makes me feel inferior about certain things. How do you open up to the people that love you the most about the things that bother you? Especially if you know it will make them worry about you.
I lost me. I lost my normalcy.
I lost myself after I became a Mom and welcomed a new person that has a bigger heart because of her children. It wasn’t easy to go through a lot of emotions and physical changes but those adjustments made me stronger. My fears became inspirations and my worries became a part of my life.
I do miss the old Rianna, how easy it was to plan adventures without considering anything. How it was okay for me to miss a couple of hours of sleep because I did not have to worry about fixing breakfast for my little A. I miss the woman that can wear heels every weekend and buy anything she wants because she knows she can.
What do I get in return? A loving home. A little boy that melts my heart every waking day. A baby girl that needs me and loves being in my arms. A husband I can turn to at night and be grateful for. A family that supports me even from miles away.
I lost myself, and that’s okay. I just hope it’s enough for everyone else — that I am a Mom and that’s who I am going to be forever. I will think and speak like a Mom. I will make decisions that will lead to a lot of sacrifices — it will hurt, just like today. That’s okay because being a Mom should be enough.